“I Just Can’t Get Them to Understand”

How Coercion Sneaks into the Parenting Dynamic

“Adulting is HARD.” At LifeTutors, we say it all the time, and it’s true. And let’s be real, parenting is just as tough! We pour our hearts into wanting our loved ones to succeed, to find joy, and to experience stability. But sometimes, in our eagerness to help, we forget a fundamental truth: everyone values their autonomy and wants to arrive at their own conclusions.

We’ve all been there. We’ve navigated challenging situations, found our own way through, and now we’re eager to share our hard-won strategies. So, it’s incredibly frustrating when we’re met with resistance or a seeming disinterest in the path forward we’ve so carefully laid out.

You might find yourself thinking:

• “Why won’t they just update their resume?”
• “If only they’d get a job…”
• “They need to move out already!”
• “Why can’t they just make new friends?”
• “They should really get a hobby.”

Sure, it would be great if they updated their resume for that new job, or if they had a supportive group of friends, healthy outlets for their interests, and felt good about their contributions to the community. Absolutely! And yet, we often cross the line into coercive behavior when we, as parents and guardians, pursue the dynamic believing we know what’s best for the ones we hold dear.

The truth is, we can’t make them do these things. We can’t force them to show up in any particular way, and we certainly can’t live their lives for them. In fact, approaching a challenging situation with a “we know what’s best for you” mindset is not only unproductive but often harmful to the relationship.

Here’s your clue: When you find yourself in the middle of these thoughts, it’s a sign that your way is more important to you than truly understanding what’s beneath the young adult’s ambivalence. 

So, what’s the reframe?

Hillary Logan, a Motivational Interview trainer, offers some fantastic insights in her video about working with people in the pre-contemplative stage of change – that phase where folks aren’t quite ready to lean into what change could look like for them. She shares 5 immediate tips we can put into action.

It’s their journey, and we’re privileged to be a part of it for this particular season and transition. May we all be bold enough to focus on understanding, not coercing.